Friday, February 27, 2015

Al Bundy on Marriage

 Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage?

 Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends?

 I deserve to be punished, I married your mother.

 Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh?

 Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.

really dumb jokes

Q: What is the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
A: About 2.3lbs, including the urn.

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman.
The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.
The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.
The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Autredamus just texted me.

here's his msg:  Why don't you see Women Chess Players? 

Mikey's Movie Piques

GUNLESS - a 2010 Canadian Western/Thriller/Comedy, with a witty and intelligent charm that reminds me of meself. An under the radar GEM.
Starring Paul Gross and some other people.

The answer to old Irish riddle

Washed my face in water
That was never rained or run
I dried it with a towel
That was neither wove nor spun.

Close guesses:

From Norm in Pigtale, Wy ….“Milkweed squeezing and cannabis’ smoke.”
JPR says….This is a bit seasonal, as well as illegal but probably quite popular.

From Junior in Wrinkle, Ala…. “Bovine urine and a good sit on the hands.”
JPR says…Logical but disgusting!

From Billy Sue in Skeet, Wva…”Drippings off the tractor’s exhaust then hold the cat.”
JPR says…The best guess. I tried it myself and it worked fine.”

correct answer: wash in the dew then dry in the sun!

Some George Carlin

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

The girl who gets gifts from birds

 Eight-year-old Gabi Mann  feeds the crows in her garden - and they bring her gifts in return.  Each morning, they fill the backyard birdbath with fresh water and cover bird-feeder platforms with peanuts.  As they work, crows assemble on the telephone lines, calling loudly to them.  
The crows  clear the feeder of peanuts, and leave shiny trinkets on the empty tray; an earring, a hinge, a polished rock, anything shiny and small enough to fit in a crow's mouth.  When we were little, grandma had a pet crow called 'ma' who would come when called, tease us by stealing our hats, and then laugh when we chased after it.