joke from 1600 BC

royal egyptains

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru,  -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

German beermen

Who said the Germans had no sense of humor.....freaking great says I.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaFAnVr6auw

Excerpts from church bulletins from Unkie Willie

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Irish Yoke

“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with

tears streaming down his cheeks. 

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?”  Asked the attendant.

“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

Joke

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

-- Steve Martin

Irish yoke

Irishman walks into a pub. He orders 4 double shots of whisky and a pint of Guinness.

The bar man pours out the shots and lines the 4 glasses in a row. He then moves away to procur the pint of Guinness. Upon his return he is surprised to see the four shot glasses empty before the Irishman.

"Jeepers you drank that whisky fast."

The Irishman replies." And you would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have!"

The bar man asks. " just what do you have?"

" 50 cents" the man replies.

Funny Quotes

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

“Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.”

--George Carlin

a joke

A middle aged man is on a sea cruise when he notices a handsome woman watching him.
After several such occasions the man approaches the woman.

Man; "Good day madam! Do I know you?"
Woman; "You don't know how much you look like my third husband!"
Man: "Really! How many time were you married?"
Woman: "Twice!"

a bit more george

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

jokes

An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will Rogers

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand.

George Carlin:
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Irish Humor

Paddy, Sean and Seamus McGillicuddy were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road taking them past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", Paddy says. "It's Michael McNally's grave, God rest his soul. Says he lived to the ripe old age of 87!"

"That's nothin'!" shouted Sean. "Over here lies Patrick O'Toole. He made it to the age of 95 when he finally died!"

Suddenly Seamus yelled out "Good God, brothers! Over here I found someone, it says they got to be 145 years old!"

"What's that Irishman's name?" slurred the drunken Paddy.

Seamus stumbled, lit a match to better read what was on the old stone marker, and exclaimed: "Miles, from Dublin!"

You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:

You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
A half moon reminds you of your fat husband pulling weeds.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You've ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You've been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.

More school excuses

1. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
2. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
3. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
4. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
5. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
6. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
7. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
8. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

irish laughter

DUBLIN DRIVERS

Paddy was driving down the motorway between Naas and Dublin, 

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 

"Paddy , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M1. P

"Hell," said Paddy , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" 

Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after

years of being away from the Church. 

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest 

cigars and chocolates. 

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for

it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,

but I must first admit that the confessional box is much 

more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side." 

jpr: see http://www.irisheyesofva.com/

Snail joke

A snail is at the police station. He's telling the officer on duty about how he was just mugged and robbed.
"It was these two turtles!", the snail sobs. "They beat me up and took my money!
"The officer asks, "Did you get a good look at them?"
The snail says, "No! It all happened so fast!"

victorian era jokes

Apparently, her majesty enjoys this humr!

1. Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul.

2. About the only thing that prevents some men from telling bare-faced lies is a moustache.

3. Doesn't it make you dizzy to waltz? Yes, but one must get used to it, you know. It's the way of the whirled.

4. "See here, wait, I've found a button in my salad." "That's all right, sir, it's part of the dressing."

Spy by sea

 Hamas 
“arrested” a dolphin for being an 
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason 
magazine came up with titles for
 the film this action might inspire:

• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel

Irish Joke

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFDGknbIUvs

A cop pulls up Barty and Joey-Jim, both the worse for drink, and says to the first,

"What's your name and address?"

"I'm Barty O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.

"I'm Joey-Jim O'Flaherty, and I live in the flat above Barty."

laughter

http://www.rd.com/jokes/family/

As soap is to the body, so laughter is to the soul. — A Jewish Proverb

penguin humor

Q: What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A: A penguin rolling down a hill!

It's practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry.
 Joe Moore